It's My Nineteenth Birthday!

And it was one of the most miserable days I've ever experienced.

Okay, okay. So it wasn't all that bad, all things considered. (There was one thing that was/is completely my fault, because I allow myself to think and remember.)

My mom yelled at me to get up at 9:21. (I had my alarm set for 9:30.) 

I took a shower, got dressed, and went downstairs for breakfast. The muffins looked a little weird, so I asked Mom what happened. She just snapped at me and said that she'd used the wrong bag and had had to add a second bag to the muffins. I didn't mean to make her snap.

I finished breakfast, dried my hair, did my makeup, and my sister and I set out for the Brookwood Mall.

We went to Earthbound first, and spent about forty minutes in there, just looking at everything. If you've never been to an Earthbound store, you're missing out. You need to find one and go to it immediately. (You're welcome.)

I bought two necklaces - one zodiac gemstone one (it's a tiger's eye, for Leo, my zodiac sign) and one white claw-looking one that's a gemstone, too. 

Then we headed over to Hot Topic. I had a $5 off a $30 purchase coupon, so I was feeling good. I picked out a Loki shirt, two pairs of earrings, and a Catwoman keychain. I debated over a Doctor Who belt, several Doctor Who shirts, and a couple of Doctor Who buttons, but in the end, I stayed within my budget. (I still spent $39.) I couldn't use my coupon because, even though it's not in the fine print, you can't use it on the promotional "buy one, get one 50% off" items. WHICH IS EVERYTHING IN THE STORE. SO THAT BIRTHDAY COUPON WAS USELESS. UGH.

We then went to the food court and had Charley's Subs for lunch. (The sample guy caught us on the way to the bathroom, and we liked what we tried so much that we bought it.) I put my Weeping Angel earrings in my ears (I had my sister take a picture), and then I went and got my free Pretzel Bites from Pretzelmaker. They give out birthday coupons!

 This is the shirt that I got from Hot Topic! It says "Mischief" in the lower-right corner, but you can't really see it in this picture (bad lighting).

 My Weeping Angel earrings! Aren't they just awesome?

 My TARDIS earrings! I'm seriously contemplating getting a second piercing so I can wear both the TARDIS and the Angels at the same time! How cool would that be?

 My Catwoman keychain! It's so adorable!

 The Tiger Eye necklace.

 The other necklace!

What's left of our pretzel bites after we got into the car! (That's my sister taking the picture, y'all. I was driving! :3)

After that, we went to TreeTop. I wanted to play a game of Laser Tag and see my friend Thomas. He was working Laser Tag, but Tom sent him home early so he got to play with Sarah and me (along with Alan, my other friend).

We were gonna play Go Karts, but they got rained out :/ Unfortunate. (But hey - I have free GoKart rides whenever I want, so it's not that bad.)

Got home, took Sarah to band camp, and then I sat down and played Animal Crossing: New Leaf for a bit. (The birthday stuff on there is great!)

We had ravioli for supper (yummm) and then we had cake. 

Mom and Dad fought over how Mom was lighting the candles, though, so that was upsetting... I'm not smiling quite as big in these pictures as I was in the ones last year.

And throughout the cake part, I was miserable, because I kept remembering last year, and how happy it was with Charlie by my side (as well as the amazing kiss he gave me under the meteor shower on the bridge outside afterwards).

Then Mom told me that, since I had asked for the cowgirl boots for my birthday, she would no longer be giving me the present that she had bought me "some months earlier," like she'd told me a few weeks ago. (She later took this statement back, and told me that she'd give me this present with my boots, if they arrive tomorrow.)

Dad didn't get me anything, although later he did go into his room and come out with a calligraphy set that he had taken from my great aunt's house when we cleaned it out a few months ago. (I guess that'll be fun?) Last year he gave me a necklace...and the charm's turned on it.

Mom & I went to pick up Sarah later, and Sarah was extremely late coming out, so Mom got ticked at her and they yelled all the way back.

Plus, my period started like five days early, so I've been PMS-y all week and especially bad today. 

I guess the day itself's been all right. It's been intermittent showers and whatnot. I did see the end of a rainbow in our cul-de-sac; no pots of gold, unfortunately. 

Now I've just got to stop thinking about Charlie, and about how last year was going at this time. (Let's just say that it was an amazing night, and I will never, ever forget it.)

Have a great day, y'all.

Guess Who's Going to be a Party Captain?

Unfortunately, the answer to that question is "Me."

I'm absolutely terrified of being a party captain. Not only do you have to deal with anywhere from five to fifty kids by yourself for two whole hours, but you have to deal with their parents. You have to keep all of them happy, and you have to keep them on schedule. You have to be able to answer all their questions as well as keep them from foaming at the mouth over what they're doing with their children.

It's not something I ever wanted to do at TreeTop. I was assured that I wouldn't be asked to do something that I didn't want to do. I'm not asked to cashier (that's the best part), but I also never wanted to be a party captain. I was told I didn't have to; there were plenty of other capable people.

I guess all of those "capable people" have left for college or something now, because I'm being trained as a party captain next week. (I have two three-hour days. WHAT.)

This is literally one of my worst nightmares. I stress out way too easily. I let things get to me. I probably have an aneurysm building up or something, because a lot of the time I have to go into the giant freezer in the back and calm down before I murder someone or start sobbing.

I thought café was stressful. I'm terrified to see what a Party Captain's life is going to be like.

I'm not good with small children. I don't know what to do to keep them happy. I'm one of the shyest people you'll meet, although I have gotten better since working at TreeTop. Eye contact makes me hella nervous, though, and having to explain to adults that No, we don't do it like that would probably make me have a stroke.

I am extremely nervous about this. I don't want to captain parties. I don't want all of that responsibility on my shoulders. I'm perfectly happy being in café or running laser tag or even being a Clubhouse Captive.

Just don't make me a party captain.

Please.

I feel...so empty.

I suppose I need to stop being depressed. But I can't help it.

For whatever reason, my old blog got thirty-seven page views yesterday. I haven't written on it in nearly three months, and yet it still gets more daily views than this blog does.

I went back and read through the comments on my last post on there. And I started crying again. Because everything came back to me, how awful that day was.

How awful every day still is.

I know I've got to "pick myself up" and "get over this," but how do I do that when I can't get any closure? My mind works in only one way: logic. And there was nothing logical about this.

I don't know how I'm going to survive at college. What happens if I wake up with a screaming nightmare while I'm there? (Here's what happens: I dream about Charlie, and something in the dream is so real, so vivid, that it seems like it's happening all over again, only from a much closer perspective, e.g., us in bed together and he spills the news. And then I wake up screaming, and I start sobbing, and I can't stop for about an hour or two.) What will my room mate think? What will the rest of the hall think? (Heck, I might even reach the third floor with this. [I live on the fourth.])

I've spent so much money attempting to get away from this. I've worked myself half to death to keep from thinking about him (it doesn't work). I've tried writing. I've tried reading. I've tried burning every single stupid picture of him that I own (that doesn't work, either). I've tried forgetting (that certainly doesn't work). I keep myself up so late at night that I fall asleep utterly exhausted, and I'm unable to dream. 

I don't dream about anything good any more, and if I somehow manage to, it's very rare and far-between. Usually, it's "nightmares" about Charlie. Oh, they're wonderful while I'm dreaming them, but when I wake up, they become nightmares that twist in my heart and make me feel sick.

When I wake up in the morning, I see the little "I'm Happy!" note that my friend Hunter wrote for me. I've stuck it on the footboard of my bed. I see it whenever I sit up in the morning. But I'm never happy.

I'm rarely happy.

I know it's bad to be this miserable. I know I shouldn't have placed all my love on this one guy, who swore up and down that he loved me, and he showed me. He told me that he wanted me near him, that he didn't want to lose me, that "you are the only thing keeping me sane during this." He was proud that I was standing near him. He told me that I was worth waiting for, and I told him I'd wait for him. And then that letter came and literally went back on everything he ever told me.

So yeah. 

No wonder I'm screwed up.

It's getting harder to put on a brave face and go to work (where I have to smile at customers, even if they're being dumb). It's getting harder to keep my feelings from my family. Hunter already knows that I'm quickly sinking into a deep pool of depression. And sometimes I don't know if I'll be able to float. Sometimes I don't want to float.

My birthday is on Monday. And all I'm going to be doing on that day is thinking about him, and how he made my last birthday beyond wonderful. (He gave me an out-of-this-world, absolutely knock-your-socks-off, beyond-passionate kiss on the bridge, under the meteor shower, on my birthday last year. It was the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. And now look at me. I barely have the strength to get out of bed in the morning.)

And now I'm sobbing again.

I suppose I need to get some sleep. (I'm scared of sleeping. Is that a bad thing? I'm terrified of my dreams. If I even start dreaming, no matter which way it's going, I try and force myself to wake up. I don't want to dream at all, because I know most of them will turn out to be about him.)

This has been another sleepless, depressed rant. And I truly apologize for that. I know this isn't what you guys want to hear from me. You want to hear funny stories about the idiots at my work, and you want to read about my packing-for-college series. Instead, all I'm doing is creating long and depressing posts about how black my life is. (And I don't even have the right to do this. My life isn't all that bad, all things considered. Sure, my heart's been shattered beyond repair, but hey - at least I'm not dying of cancer or watching a close friend die...Oh, wait. I've seen that last one happen recently, to a friend of my parents'.)

I'll try to make happier posts.
I'll try.

No promises.

Packing for College: Your Bathroom

There are two types of dorm rooms in college: Those that have their own bathrooms, and those that don't. I have my own bathroom in my dorm room, so I'm going to write about that section first. Then I'll talk about not having your own bathroom. (I've heard enough from my bathroom-less friends to get a pretty good idea of what you're going to need for that.)

If you have your own bathroom...
Having your own bathroom is fantastic. What's not fantastic? You're going to have to clean it about once a week or so. (They get nasty fast, actually. Remember your bathroom at home? Same rules apply.)

So, what are you going to need in your bathroom? Well, let's see...

1. A Shower Curtain & Liner
This honestly seems like it would be a no-brainer, but you'd be surprised at how many people forgot about this last year. Don't forget the shower rings, too!! You're going to have to hang them on the curtain rod someway! (Oh, you might also want to bring an expanding curtain rod, for the shower. Otherwise, you may be left out.)

2. A Trash Can
You're a girl, right? So obviously you're going to have some girly problems eventually. Get a trash can (it can be pretty and patterned, or it can be plain; your choice) and stick it beside your toilet.

3. Cleaning Supplies
So, what sort of cleaning supplies are we talking about?

1. Lysol Wipes (makes cleaning much easier)
2. Scrubbing Bubbles (best bathroom cleaner I've found)
3. Toilet Brush (trust me; don't wanna stick your hands in that!)
4. Mr. Clean (or some other type of toilet-bowl cleaner)
5. Windex (bathroom mirrors & other mirrors)
6. Trash bags (for the trash can; makes cleanup easier)
7. Some kind of cleaning thing for the shower (I have a little shower scrubber)

You can probably make a much longer list than that, but that's what I use, normally, so that's what I'm listing!

4. Toiletries

Again, another no-brainer. Bring everything you're going to need.

1. Toothbrush
2. Toothpaste
3. Floss
4. Makeup
5. Makeup remover things (if you use them)
6. Body wash
7. Body sponge (or washcloth)
8. Towels & Washcloths (don't forget these! Try to get a different color than your roommate)
9. Shampoo & Conditioner
10. Retainers, braces, etc. that you need to wear at night (if needed)
11. Toilet Paper
12. Pads, Tampons, Pantyliners, etc.
13. Razors (and shaving cream, if you use it)
14. FIrst aid kid (especially bandaids!!)

5. Storage

This is where it gets fun. I have little bins for my stuff to go in, and I keep it all on my over-toilet rack that my parents bought for me at Wal-Mart. It's REALLY handy. It gives us a lot of extra storage space! Plus, it has three shelves - one for her, one for me, and one for the other stuff that we want to put on it.

I also have a little shower caddy. It's plastic, and it has little slits in the bottom so that water can drain out, and it has suction cups along the side. It sticks in the corner, and it fits so neatly. It really gives me so much more room than one that would hang over the shower head. (There's not any room under the shower head, actually.) And a giant one that stacked in the corner just wouldn't work. Corner shelves are BEST.

We have a medicine cabinet behind the mirror, but we didn't use it last year. (Doubt we'll do so this year, either.) But we have a ton of space underneath the sink. That's where all the cleaning supplies, "feminine hygiene" supplies, and the extra toilet paper and first aid kid go. You can bring little bins to stack under here as well, so you can organize things into "mine" and "yours," if you feel like it. (I just kept mine to the left of the under-sink, because all of my stuff was on the left of the sink.)

6. RUGS.
Good gracious, get yo'self some rugs, gurl!

I'm not joking. The tile floors are going to be freezing in the mornings! (Especially in the winter!) Get some pretty rugs to match the shower curtain that you bought. Or, try to match the rugs with the curtain that your roomie bought. Or even your towels. Mine happen to be teal. (They match my towels.)

You're gonna want two - one to go in front of the sink, and one to go in front of the shower. (You're welcome.)

***

All right! That's it for that particular section! Let's move on to the other section...

If you don't have your own bathroom...

Well, if you don't have your own bathroom, things are probably going to look a bit grim at this point in time. The people with their own bathrooms get to have fun decorating the place, and making everything look spiffy. 

What do you get?

1. A Shower Basket
They sell these at pretty much any store that sells college stuff. (I know Bed, Bath, & Beyond has a good selection.) 

These are usually wire (with a ton of holes), or a pretty-colored plastic (also with lots of holes), and have plenty of storage space.

Remember, you're going to have to fit the following things into your shower basket:

1. Shampoo & Conditioner
2. Body Wash
3. Face Wash (some people use this; others don't)
4. Bath Sponge (or washcloth)
5. Razor
6. Shaving Cream (some people use it; others just use the body wash)
7. Lotion (some people apply it after shaving their legs)
8. Anything else you use in the shower on a daily basis

That's a lot of stuff! Make sure your shower basket is sturdy and can hold a lot of things. You don't want it breaking on you mid-year, and you don't want to have to buy a replacement! (I'm sure these things aren't cheap, if you want them to last!)

2. A Bath Robe

You may or may not want to bring your clothes into the communal shower. Maybe you'll want to bring just your bra and panties, because you don't want to risk the other things falling on the floor (or getting stolen[!!]).

Invest in a nice bath robe, something that you wouldn't be embarrassed to be caught in. Usually, just at or below knee-length is great. (Any shorter, and some people might be seeing more than they bargained for! Although I'm sure the guys would love it.)

Find something plush and soft. (Heck, if I had a communal bathroom, I'd splurge and buy the TARDIS bath robe from ThinkGeek! MMMMMM!!) Remember: you're going to be wearing this probably daily whenever you get out of the shower...or at least until you can get back into your room. (In fact, a bath robe may not be a bad idea in your own room, too, if you have your own bathroom!)

3. Towels & Washcloths

Yes, of course you're going to need these. You can either pick pretty or practical. (Mine are pretty, but they shed like the dickens. It would take like six wash cycles, on as high as they would go, to stop them from shedding.)

Get some big ones. If you're not going to buy a bath robe, you may find that your clothes have been stolen one day while you're in the shower (it actually happened to a friend of mine...some kind of sorority "prank"), and you're going to need a way to cover up.

The washcloths are for whatever you need to do in the shower, or maybe even drying your face off after you get out of the shower.

Try to get your initials sewn onto your towels (but don't spend like $50 per towel on monogramming, like some of the sorority girls do...that's just not practical), or maybe even your name. (Try and see if your mom will do it for you.) Do the same to your washcloths. If you can't get it sewn on, try writing your name on the tags with permanent marker. You may need to refresh it a couple of times throughout the year, but nobody should be able to steal your towels without cutting off the tags!

But what about...?

What about all the other things I mentioned in the other list above? The makeup, the facial cleansers, etc.?

Here's the good thing: normally, dorms that share communal showers have sinks in the individual rooms, along with mirrors. That means you can do all your teeth-brushing and makeup-applying right in the comfort of your own dorm room! (How awesome is that?)

Of course, if you don't have an individual sink, you're probably going to want another shower caddy-thing to hold all of your makeup and facial stuff, along with your toothbrush things, so that you can take it to and from the communal bathroom. 

You may also want to invest in a "that-time-of-the-month pouch" or something of the sort. Some freebie sites sometimes give away free tampons and stuff that come in a cute little pouch. That way, that's all you have to take to the bathroom whenever Aunt Flo comes to visit. Or you could just take your purse; that works too. (Or an old makeup bag.) That's the one thing I would hate about having a communal bathroom - the period stuff. Eurgh.

***

All right!

Now do you feel like you're more prepared for whatever bathroom-type that your college throws at you? Is there something that you brought to college that's NOT on this list? Tell me in the comments!

Have any other questions? Please ask! I'll reply to everything...and I don't bite! Promise!

That Time When Parents Actually Parented

So, do I have a story for you this week. 

It occurs around 2 p.m. or so. It's a slow Monday afternoon. Corey and I are working café, but since nobody has shown up in a while, we're sitting at a table and talking. (And I'm working on my novel.) 

Suddenly, Corey leaps to her feet and starts sprinting towards the door, screaming, "STOP! STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP!'

I hear a bang, and then I jump up and start running after her, too.

There are three black kids punching the stuffing out of each other. Two of them are holding one of them down, and they're just going at it. I'm terrified that somebody's going to die, right there on the floor. (The bang? Someone had thrown one of the others into the giant metal rolly door.)

Corey screams at them to stop again, and one of them rushes out the door. The other one is slow to get off of the boy on the floor, but once he does, he runs out the door, too. 

The third one stands up shakily.

"Are you okay?" she asks him. He nods, and then he also runs out the door.

We follow them out.

All three are now sitting at a table with two women. Corey asks, "Ma'am, are these your sons?"

They both nod, so she continues.

"Um, they were fighting just inside the door here. I just wanted to make sure that they weren't hurt."

"They were fighting? Thanks for letting me know." And she kinda waves us off, so we go inside and sit down again, thinking that'd be the end of it.

Not ten minutes later, the two ladies are dragging the kids inside by their ears. Literally dragging them. The first lady drags up her kid and stands him in front of us. We stand up. 

"They have something they want to tell you," she says.

The kid starts fidgeting, mumbling and looking at his mother, at the table, at the floor... So his mother grabs his chin and makes him look at us. "You're not apologizing to the floor, to the table, or to me. You're apologizing to these nice young ladies. Now say you're sorry, and what you're sorry for!"

The kid proceeds to apologize for fighting and causing a disturbance. The other two do the same (after also getting a lecture from the first mother to stop looking at the floor and look at the girls!), and Corey says, "As long as they're not hurt..." because we really don't know what to say. Thank you? 

The mother says, "It's not all right. Thank you for letting us know. They're all fine, but they're not gonna be fine when we get home. Have a great day, ladies."

So they drag the kids out of TreeTop. I've never seen such terrified children. 

These mothers knew how to raise nice, polite young men, and then they went outside to talk, leaving the kids to play inside. So the kids proceeded to try and kill each other. That's why I think the mothers were so upset - they had raised the kids to be polite, and they were behaving like a bunch of thugs.

Nothing exciting happens for the rest of the day, and we hope that nothing like that ever happens again. It was terrifying.

And Then There Were Twelve

I'm probably not the greatest person to talk about this, considering that I haven't even watched Season Three of the Doctor Who reboot, but I think I want to weigh in on this.

If you haven't heard yet, the twelfth doctor was announced yesterday on BBC. (I was able to watch it live. I then spent nearly four hours watching recaps of the old doctors.)

Everything on the Doctor Who Facebook page was in absolute chaos. You had the people who were vehemently opposed to the choice, and then you had the people who wanted to see what he would do with the role.

I think he's going to be a sassy doctor. We always need more sass in BBC shows. 

The people who were arguing against him hated his age, hated the way he had played on other shows, hated the fact that he'd already played a (very, very, very minor) character on Doctor Who, and just didn't like his looks. (Honestly, I think they hated him because they can't write softcore fanfiction about the Doctor and his companion, or the Doctor and them. Because then it'd be pedaphilia.) 

The people who enjoyed this choice liked the fact that he was an older doctor (he's the same age as the First Doctor), they loved the acting choice (he's apparently been a great actor in other things), and they just loved him in general.

These two factions are at an all-out war.

I'd like to add in my own little rant about this.

Give the man a chance. You know nothing about how he's going to act as the Doctor. You don't know how he's going to be. It's a horrible thing to judge someone by their looks alone. So what if he's a little older? Some of the older doctors were some of the best. Just because he's older doesn't mean he's going to be terrible.

However, he's still not ginger.

When?

When am I allowed to just...give up?

Allow me to explain.

My nightmares about Charlie are getting more and more frequent, and they're also getting more intense. Of course, they're not nightmares when I'm dreaming - they're a wonderful paradise, full of love and hope, everything that we had before he wrote me that letter. It's only when I wake up that they transform into nightmares, because I know how he feels about me in real life.

Not to mention the fact that I keep having meltdowns whenever i'm in the shower. I'll be shaving or something, and then I'll remember Charlie or something along those lines, and I'll just start bawling. 

I have tally-marks on my bathroom mirror, to keep track of how many times this has happened.

Seventy-one times since May 28th.

I know that's not normal.

I know I'm not normal. I mean, the man broke my heart. Stepped on it and smooshed it into little bitty pieces. He apparently never meant any of the things that he told me (I could go on and on about that point, but I'm not going to, because it's too painful.) 

And I still love him. I love him so much that it physically hurts. Because when I told him i loved him, I actually meant it. He told me that he loved me, and that I was worth waiting for. I told him that I loved him, and that I would wait for him.

And my brain can't handle this.

I can't handle the lack of communication. I sent him a very long email (it took me 2.5 hours to write, actually), explaining everything, explaining why it hurt me so much, why I just can't believe it, why I want to talk to him. 

I haven't heard back yet.

My birthday is in eight days. 

All I want is for him to talk to me on my birthday. (Or around my birthday.) Last year, he was here, and he did whatever I wanted. (We kissed on the bridge in my neighborhood. We got honked at several times. And there was a meteor shower every night he was here. Not to mention that he was so gentle and understanding and just...full of passion whenever we were alone together.)

Now I'm going to be spending my birthday alone.

All I want to do is talk to him. Please; that's all I'm asking. Talk to him without any interruptions or excuses.

All he's done is lie to me whenever I ask him a question.

I want a straight answer. And the only way to get that is to talk to him face-to-face, on Skype.

I'm just ready to give up. Not on him. I'll never give up on him.

I'm ready to give up on everything else. I want to sleep and just never wake up. Some days I wonder if I could drown in the shower. Life just isn't fun any more. And I know that some of that's my fault, but everything seems so gray and bleary. It's a neverending stream of work, home, internet, sleep. Work, home, internet, sleep. It's so boring. Occasionally, I'll go out with a friend or two. But they always find an excuse to go home early, even though I smile and pretend like nothing's wrong whenever I'm with them.

I'm tired.

I'm just done.

Half-contemplating sending an email with the title, "This email...it's my note. That's what people do, right? Leave a note?"

And the message would be, "I'm just done. Done with everything. Friends, love, life. Nothing's worth anything any more. Goodbye, Charlie."

And see what happens. But I know what would happen. He'd just ignore me. Like he always does.

It really, really hurts. I gave so much to him, and I thought he gave the same back to me. We used to go back and forth over who loved who more. And he always said that I had no idea how much he loved me. (His last letter? "I love you more than you could ever imagine.") Looks like all of that was a lie, too.

Because I love you more, Charles Smith.

And it's causing me physical pain. And it's slowly costing me my sanity.

Sorry about the depressed rant. It's been a long five months since Charlie left. And a long three months since he told me he was done with me, even though he'd been sending his love to me while he was away. I just can't take it any more. I want everything to end. The sooner the better.