When?

When am I allowed to just...give up?

Allow me to explain.

My nightmares about Charlie are getting more and more frequent, and they're also getting more intense. Of course, they're not nightmares when I'm dreaming - they're a wonderful paradise, full of love and hope, everything that we had before he wrote me that letter. It's only when I wake up that they transform into nightmares, because I know how he feels about me in real life.

Not to mention the fact that I keep having meltdowns whenever i'm in the shower. I'll be shaving or something, and then I'll remember Charlie or something along those lines, and I'll just start bawling. 

I have tally-marks on my bathroom mirror, to keep track of how many times this has happened.

Seventy-one times since May 28th.

I know that's not normal.

I know I'm not normal. I mean, the man broke my heart. Stepped on it and smooshed it into little bitty pieces. He apparently never meant any of the things that he told me (I could go on and on about that point, but I'm not going to, because it's too painful.) 

And I still love him. I love him so much that it physically hurts. Because when I told him i loved him, I actually meant it. He told me that he loved me, and that I was worth waiting for. I told him that I loved him, and that I would wait for him.

And my brain can't handle this.

I can't handle the lack of communication. I sent him a very long email (it took me 2.5 hours to write, actually), explaining everything, explaining why it hurt me so much, why I just can't believe it, why I want to talk to him. 

I haven't heard back yet.

My birthday is in eight days. 

All I want is for him to talk to me on my birthday. (Or around my birthday.) Last year, he was here, and he did whatever I wanted. (We kissed on the bridge in my neighborhood. We got honked at several times. And there was a meteor shower every night he was here. Not to mention that he was so gentle and understanding and just...full of passion whenever we were alone together.)

Now I'm going to be spending my birthday alone.

All I want to do is talk to him. Please; that's all I'm asking. Talk to him without any interruptions or excuses.

All he's done is lie to me whenever I ask him a question.

I want a straight answer. And the only way to get that is to talk to him face-to-face, on Skype.

I'm just ready to give up. Not on him. I'll never give up on him.

I'm ready to give up on everything else. I want to sleep and just never wake up. Some days I wonder if I could drown in the shower. Life just isn't fun any more. And I know that some of that's my fault, but everything seems so gray and bleary. It's a neverending stream of work, home, internet, sleep. Work, home, internet, sleep. It's so boring. Occasionally, I'll go out with a friend or two. But they always find an excuse to go home early, even though I smile and pretend like nothing's wrong whenever I'm with them.

I'm tired.

I'm just done.

Half-contemplating sending an email with the title, "This email...it's my note. That's what people do, right? Leave a note?"

And the message would be, "I'm just done. Done with everything. Friends, love, life. Nothing's worth anything any more. Goodbye, Charlie."

And see what happens. But I know what would happen. He'd just ignore me. Like he always does.

It really, really hurts. I gave so much to him, and I thought he gave the same back to me. We used to go back and forth over who loved who more. And he always said that I had no idea how much he loved me. (His last letter? "I love you more than you could ever imagine.") Looks like all of that was a lie, too.

Because I love you more, Charles Smith.

And it's causing me physical pain. And it's slowly costing me my sanity.

Sorry about the depressed rant. It's been a long five months since Charlie left. And a long three months since he told me he was done with me, even though he'd been sending his love to me while he was away. I just can't take it any more. I want everything to end. The sooner the better.